When your kid is extraordinary it’s often not something you can see, it’s more of an invisible difference. If a child has a disability like being deaf or blind, the difference can be seen in the way he or she moves, talks, or interacts. However, if your child has been diagnosed Neurodiverse; ADHD, HFA (high functioning autism/Asperger’s), Gifted or with Learning Disabilities like Dyslexia or Dysgraphia, then it’s most likely something you cannot see.
      These kids may appear shy, quirky, show some OCD’s, talk out of turn (or not talk at all), and to the average person these quirks may appear to be learned behaviors. As the parents of these kids, we know they are not learned behaviors, but parts of the whole that make our kids extraordinary.
      Our lives as parents are different, not just in the way we educate our kids, but in the way we do most things. Adding to our experience is the way we are judged based on what people see. People see the behaviors, but  they don’t see the stories, the drama, the tears, or the struggle behind those behaviors.
         Just to give you an idea of the difference, here’s an example of taking a 10 year old kid to the park.
      For most parents, this is a simple task. Dress your kid in the appropriate clothes for the current weather, maybe invite a friend or bring a sibling. Get to the park, play, keep an eye on the kid to protect them from getting hurt or approached by strange adults. Go home, clean up, and get on with your day.
          For the parents of extraordinary kids, there’s more complexity to the  steps.
         First you have to get your kid with sensory processing disorder (which makes them super sensitive to the feel of things touching their body) dressed. Your choices will be limited. For example, there are only two pairs of pants he will wear (both are shorts), and 3 shirts which have to be loose fitting, no tags, right color, and of a specific fabric, and socks, but he won’t wear them because of the seams, even though you got the seamless kind, and shoes, but it has to be Crocs, even though it’s 40 degrees and windy and there are woodchips in that park. So you’ve got him wearing a t-shirt, but no jacket…  it’s too hot, scratchy, and tight, shorts, but they are dirty because he only has two pairs that he will wear, and you have to do laundry every other day, so dirty works for now, and an old pair of worn out Crocs for which there will be emotions because of the woodchips in his shoes,  and it will most likely be a full on meltdown with kicking and screaming  because he cannot explain what’s bothering him, and his high emotions won’t let him access that part of the brain that helps him think these things through, but that will happen later at the park, right now we are just working on getting dressed.
          Finally, he is dressed and it’s time to get in the car. The back-passenger window has to be opened 1 inch or he “can’t breathe”, and the heat is too hot so don’t turn it on. The seat belt is “cutting” him “in half”, but it’s the law, so go ahead and scream all the way to the park kid. Earlier you offered to bring the only friend he has that will still play with him, but your kid refuses because… oh, he can’t explain that either because of his limited social emotional language issues, but you just tripped a trigger, so hold tight, this can implode at any moment.
        Now you’re on the playground. There are a few peers there, but they don’t acknowledge your kid. Or maybe one does, but your kid, feeling overwhelmed and unsure what to do, seems to ignore the peer that attempts to say “Hi”, and goes directly over to a swing without looking back. He begins to swing rhythmically, asking you to push even though he is well beyond the age of needing a push. Other parents are beginning to look. The swinging goes on forever, okay, maybe just 5 minutes, but you are tired of pushing, so you stop. He yells that he wants you to push more. You say “Okay, two more minutes.” When the two minutes are up you stop. This starts a (disrespectful sounding) debate about time and how long two minutes is.
         Other parents are definitely looking now.
         Your kid is definitely getting dysregulated (meaning an impending meltdown is headed your way), so you relent and let him swing a little longer because you know the swinging helps to regulate him.
But, now parents are outright staring at you! You can feel them thinking “Why do you cave in to your child?” After what seems like an eternity pushing a swing he is finally ready to move on, but, as we predicted, he has woodchips in his shoes. He is feeling overwhelmed by the sensation and kicks his shoes off and they go flying in opposite directions as he runs to the other end of the park and you  run off to retrieve the shoes.
          Having a clue that it might be the woodchips bothering him, you don’t scold him (that would make things worse). You just gently let him know that he can ” take the shoes off without throwing them”. As you turn toward the first shoe, you hear him grumble “Jerk” from behind you.  He just called you a name in plain sight of everyone because his frustration tolerance along with poor emotional management has him overwhelmed and lashing out. You know you will have to address that later when he is calm.
            Can the people in the park see why he said it, and why you responded the way you did?
            No, of course not.
       It’s now time to leave the park. You gave the appropriate time warnings, set the expectations before you left, but he is not ready to stop what he is doing and move on to the next thing. Transitions are hard. So, he throws himself on the ground and just lays there covering his head with his t-shirt and refusing to move or talk. At first you try coaxing, then you try convincing.
People are staring.
         Finally, exhausted and worn out, you offer ice cream. After a few minutes, maybe he relents, or worse, you carry a kicking and screaming anxious 10 year old to your car and try to wrestle him into the car seat hoping no one calls the police about a possible abduction. Either way, you strap yourself into your car in a fog of anxiety and shame.
           YOU ARE DEFINITELY BEING JUDGED NOW! 
       You are in the car, on the way home you are asking yourself what you did wrong, what could you have done better, or on a particularly bad day, you may ask what is wrong with your kid? In the quiet of the car, he gets himself re-regulated by watching a video on the tablet, and you are just grateful the parents aren’t seeing that as well. 
​          You go home feeling like a failure and completely drained just from taking a short trip to the park.          When you get home you make an attempt to wash his dirty hands and face which sends him in to a screaming fit and running through the house all because it’s just too much stimulation after the park. The neighbors probably think you are beating the poor kid. This is not an unusual day, this is typical, but your day isn’t over, and the challenges ahead won’t be seen by those who were watching the show at the park.
        Yes, parents were watching and judging big time. Probably thinking “What a brat!” Or worse, “I would never let my child…” and you know it.
           Maybe you even judged someone like that before you had this kid?
In the end, you have to tell yourself they cannot see what is actually happening with you or your child.
          You must talk yourself through this, and it takes a lot of emotional energy.
          Even though you know they cannot see it for what it is, it’s not very comforting.
          Frankly we can’t always see it either.
          Not all the time, and definitely not in the beginning.

​      I admit, as the parent of one of these kids, I have made demands, set boundaries, and created expectations, unknowingly setting my child up for a meltdown, shutdown, or worse, a breakdown, because I simply could not see why they couldn’t just do what was expected.
       To make things worse, I would often succumb to the pressure of the observant parent, friend, relative or therapist who told me all the things I was doing wrong. I would set out to become more strict, set more boundaries, expectations and punishments, only to find I was moving backwards and blaming myself while I felt like my life was spiraling out of control, and my child was sinking deeper in to anxiety (fight, flight or freeze) out of frustration.
        It took a long time for me to understand what my child was experiencing. First, I had to separate myself, my issues, my expectations, the ignorance of others (including professionals) and my fear of being judged from my child, and the behavior. Learn more about Neurodiverse Behavior    Challenges here.
          That was a huge task.
        Then, I had to try to see the invisible. I had to find the ghost in the dark with all the pieces that made up my child, and put them together to make sense of what I could not see, touch or understand.
I had to go on a hunt for what my eyes could not detect. I had to become a ghost hunter.
         Parenting extraordinary kids with invisible “disabilities” is a lot like ghost hunting. Unsure of what you are looking for or of it’s existence.  People tell you it’s there, but you can’t tell myth from reality or feelings from facts. To make it all more complicated, some people refuse to believe there’s anything there (denial).
           So, people will judge. Some may even think that because they cannot see it, it doesn’t exist.
           Some may judge you only because they are ignorant, unknowledgeable or just plain self-absorbed.
          It really doesn’t matter; “The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing”.
                                                                                      You are the parent.
                                                                                      You love your child.
                                                                                    You work hard at this.
                                                                                   You know it’s not easy.
                                                                                          You will be tired.
                                                                                   You will bend or break.  
​                                                                                            You will do this.  
         People will judge you for ghost hunting, but you must know this:
​         This life we live is real, our love is big and…

​                                                                      WE AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOST!


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      Inevitably, every few months we hear of highly successful people like TV personalities, fashion icons, musicians, authors and movie stars who have committed the ultimate desperate act. Suicide.
        Hearing these stories evokes a broad range of reactions from profound sadness or anxiety to anger and frustration. Of course, its natural to react to this kind of news with sadness, especially if you admired the persons skills, talent or success.  Anxiety is also understandable if you or someone you know has suffered from severe or chronic depression. It brings the uncomfortable topic to the forefront. 
      I want to present a different and possibly controversial point of view on suicide, but before I do, I want to explain why I feel like I may have some honest justification for my feelings of frustration on the topic.
       Like too many others, I was a neglected and abused kid who had some “undiagnosed differences”. I struggled to connect and relate to other kids, I missed a lot of social cues, which left me with few friends, and in spite of being “gifted,” I got completely lost in school and didn’t do well. As a result, I was isolated, misunderstood, and depressed.
         By the time I was 19, I was spiraling into a deep, dark, all-consuming depression. This combined with drug and alcohol use sent me into hopeless bleak places in my mind, places that I would revisit several times before I finally broke free, and all this was made more challenging because I didn’t have a foundation of understanding in my home life. 
      Studies show that being truly connected to others and understood by your tribe (your family or friends) is the key to freedom from suicidal depression (actually most forms of depression), yet we hesitate to connect with those who are suffering, and to make matters worse we often spew advice without ever really listening. As parents, friends or family members who know someone who is suicidality depressed, we must learn to listen without giving advice, or assuming we know how they feel. You can learn more about how connections help people heal here.
                                                                                          How did I learn all this?
       When I was 23, I became chronically sick like many people who suffer from deep depression. I once again found myself in the doctors office, and as I sat on the examination table, I began to talk about how depressed and hopeless I felt. I can’t explain why I opened up, when I look back I think it was because he was really listening, compassionately.
          At some point he asked me, “Do you sometimes think about killing yourself?” I remember feeling shocked by his straight forward and frank awareness of my state of mind. He then went on to tell me that he can’t imagine how hard that must be for me. I remember crying so hard and so long that I began to wonder if I could stop. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I don’t want to lose a patient ever, including you. I want you to talk to someone who will understand and help you. Can you do that?” Though I was uncomfortable with his caring attitude, I followed his advice.  He referred me to a therapist, and though she wasn’t a good fit, and it took me 3 tries before I found someone with whom I could truly connect, I didn’t give up, and finally, I got the help I so desperately needed in the form of a compassionate and understanding therapist.
         That doctor took me seriously, he didn’t brush me off because I was presenting uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. THAT is key. When people attempt to take their lives or think about taking their lives, they too often get brushed off. Why? Because, as someone who cares, we just don’t want to go there. We tell ourselves “it will pass” or that it’s just a bad day, but we have to ask ourselves, is it worth the risk?
                                       How hard is it to just commit to listening compassionately?

                                          The best short conversations on Compassionate Listening

   So, here are my controversial thoughts on understanding and connecting with people who are suicidality depressed:
*Don’t go too easy on them by ignoring or dismissing their thoughts and feelings. Connect by being compassionate and letting them know you are trying to understand what they are going through.
*Don’t take their power away by trying to solve their problems (giving advice). Listen, be there, be sincere and be available. 
      According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, each year 44,965 Americans die by suicide and yet we remain dismissive and ignorant about depression and it’s causes (lack of connection and understanding). We are less connected then ever in human history, so the need to connect is more challenging, and more necessary than ever. 
        Listening and connection, and keeping a close eye on moods and relationships is the only way to deal with anyone, especially the Neurodiverse and those under the age of 21 (because the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that thinks, plans and sees the big picture is not fully developed and may even be hindered by hormones). This is not a time for ‘Buck up Buttercup”, but it couldn’t hurt to gently inform them about what they contribute to our lives. 
      Of course, there are special circumstances like being terminally ill, out of touch with reality (psychotic) or chronically abused. These are honest and very real reasons people lose hope or act impulsively and require unlimited compassion, listening and connection, and immediate help.
      When we think someone 'has it all' but doesn’t connect with others (can’t vs. won’t is another topic), it becomes our responsibility to get though to that part of them that is desperate for connection and understanding, because in reality… no one has it all.
​                                                                All humans, even introverts, need to connect. 
      So, yes, when recently I heard another news story about an outrageously successful and talented person who took their own life, I felt frustrated and ready to say the unthinkable “Where were the people in their lives that claimed to care, and why didn’t they try to understand?” I’m not saying it’s easy to listen to and understand someone who is spinning in a black hole of depression. It’s not, but YOU, if you care, need to stand up and be there, fully, completely present and unabashed. This is not a time to check out, forget or be too busy…
    Many people are afraid to talk to someone who is suicidal. They are afraid they will say something to make it worse. Showing you care by listening and being honest won’t make it worse. You don't need to solve their problems, but listening (and connecting), just may save a life.
    Don’t ignore, run away or hide from someone you know to be in that dark space, reach in, tell them you will listen, be real, connect with them.
                                                            Every connection counts, no matter how small. 
Let’s start some conversations about real authentic compassion, understanding and connection!
 If you are reading this and you are feeling suicidality depressed I have three things I want you to know:
1. There is a life for you free from those dark feelings. I get it and there is help out there from other people who get it too!
2. Get help. suicidepreventionlifeline.org/​
3. Watch/Share this video:                  

                                           National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255


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​

       Have you seen the old commercial with the tattoo artist eating a candy bar while working on a big guy who looks down at his brand new tattoo with shock says, “NO REGERTS?”.
       The tattoo artist, looks at the guy a bit puzzled, then casually apologizes for being in a daze whilst eating her delicious snack, like she was oblivious to the whole thing. I’m sure what happens next is pretty interesting. 
          Parenting the Extraordinary is kinda the same experience.

         We have a baby and begin parenting under the daze of the shiny new experience. Sure we may bring along some unhelpful parenting techniques that were used on us, but our intentions are good,                So, with glazed eyes we run to buy the baby rearing books, go to the classes, call the moms and friends for advice and everything is just wonderful… until it isn’t.
            At some point we have the awful realization that something isn’t quite right.
           Maybe it begins as a baby or toddler or it starts with a teacher, parent or caregiver telling us how we should be using “more consistent boundaries/rules”, or the pressure of “He should know how to do that by now”, or my personal favorite, “She doesn’t play well with others.”  Whatever it was, it was the first sign.
        Before we knew it we had testing,  parenting suggestions, and a plethora of diagnostic theories thrown at us.
          Somewhere along the line came acceptance that our kid was somehow different. Maybe it’s High Functioning Autism/Asperger’s, ADHD, Gifted, or a learning disability like dyslexia or dysgraphia, or a combination of these.
          Either way, we find ourselves in the universe of parenting a Neurodiverse child, where many of the rules and ideas of parenting need to be adjusted, rearranged or just thrown out. As a result we begin a journey of trial and error…
              We find therapies.  Some work, some don’t.
             We try charts and we watch videos.
             Friends send us articles.
             Others refuse to accept that it could be anything but our parenting that creates the problem.
            Really?
          As we start to find our way and begin to work things out (or in some cases, sink into a feeling of helplessness) the thought eventually comes…
             What could I have done to prevent this?
             Was it a vaccine… or the Tylenol I took during pregnancy?
              Did I bond enough, or too much?
              Did something happen in day care?
              WHYYYY did I feed her soooo much gluten?!?
                                                                                                           REGERTS?
         It’s a terrible little monster I like to call Regerts, who lives in the dark recesses of your memories.
         But I am here to tell you…
          It’s time for him to leave.
         There is no time or energy available for that little monster and he is not helpful at all!
          Kick him out!
          If you knew better you would have done better…
         Remember, we create our own monsters and your life is already full, you don’t need more to worry about
          So, write him a letter, burn an effigy, or just say good bye.
           This journey is full of things to take up our precious time and energy.
            Choose how you want to spend it.
            Leave no room for things that aren’t helpful.
            When it doubt, you tell that little monster… NO REGERTS!!
          And speaking of regrets, an excellent way preventing things from going off the rails, is getting to the root of one of a parents biggest challenges… Behavior.
            It’s important to keep in mind that addressing behaviors in both kids and a adults is going to look different when we come from a Neurodiverse perspective, and until we (and others) accept this, we can get stuck in a cycle of frustration and… regret!

                                                         You can read more about Problem Solving Behaviors here.

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​     Does this sound familiar?
     “I don’t care if he has Asperger’s/HFA, he needs to learn he can’t just say what he’s thinking!”
      “ADHD is no excuse, she needs to pay attention.”
      “You need to be more consistent. You should make a chart with rewards and punishments.”
       “My kids ate what I put in front of them or they didn’t eat at all.”
      “You shouldn’t let her do anything until all of her home work is done.  If she complains or has a fit, then take away devices until it’s done.”
       “He needs to do as he’s told, you just don’t command enough respect.”
       “Reward the good behavior, punish the bad.”
     It would be surprising if you’d never heard these things because they are very typical of parenting advice given by both other parents and by professionals.
     To some extent, they are correct… IF you have a child/teen who is completely Neuro Typical (NT), meaning a kid with no developmental delays at all.
     In most cases, the average kid with no challenges and little anxiety is able to follow instructions, process what’s expected, and comply.
     For instance, if you say to an average NT kid, “When you’re finished with your homework, then you can play on your tablet until dinner”, he might make a face or complain a little, ask for help if needed, and then get the work done to get his tablet time.
     For a kid with delays it may not be so simple. 
     First of all, many of these children cannot ask for help. What does that mean? It means they know it’s hard for them to do the work, but they cannot communicate why.  In children with developmental delays the part of the brain that connects intellectual information to the part of the brain that handles emotions and feelings is not fully developed. In other words, even if they do know why the work is difficult (ex: didn’t understand the directions) their brains can’t always organize words in a way that allows them to communicate that clearly.
     In situations like these they are struggling to adhere to expectations and getting frustrated with their own inability to explain or even understand themselves. Their anxiety begins to rise quickly because they know that something is expected of them, but they can’t comply (notice it’s not “won’t comply”), so they become emotionally dysregulated.
     If you decide to punish them by saying, “no tablet until that work is done.”, their frustration and anxiety will continue to rise and the ability to use expressive language to communicate will diminish even more, increasing the likelihood of more emotional dysregulation and a full-on meltdown. Not a tantrum which is a fit based on not getting one’s way, but a meltdown which is caused by emotional  overload.  It’s interesting to note that a tantrum can be stopped by giving the kid what they want, and a meltdown cannot be stopped until emotional equilibrium or a sense of safety has resumed.
     To avoid overload and meltdowns, it’s important to know what a kid can do, and to take into account how much that ability can change as circumstances change. Dr. Ross Greene, behavioral child psychologist, credits his profound success in helping behaviorally challenged children with his philosophy, “Children do better if they CAN.” Anyone who has put this philosophy into practice has learned pretty quickly that it really works, not just for children with delays, but for all of us!
     If you are struggling with any kind of behavior issues I highly recommend his book. The Explosive Child, The: A New Approach For Understanding And Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

                                                      Dr. Ross Greene explains how to help kids do better

     A kid who is emotionally dysregulated needs help finding what Dr. Greene calls “The unsolved problem that causes the behavior”. Truly understanding this means that we have to be willing to constantly adjust our expectations to meet the needs of a brain that is processing in it’s own very unique way. 
     Now, you may say, “He knows how to do the work, he just doesn’t want to. He did it yesterday with no problems.” Well, that was yesterday, and yesterday he didn’t have the onslaught of social and emotional challenges he had today (many of which you may be unaware of), which have pushed him to the limits of his ability, as a result the part of his brain that should be using rational thinking is off line and he really can’t tap into what he knew yesterday.
     To make matters worse, we often punish the behavior (which is a result of this overwhelm) by taking away the very things that help his brain regulate, like playing games, watching videos, building Legos, reading comics, or riding his bike. This often results in a kid with tremendous anxiety and very little emotional control.
     Whether it’s not eating what’s put in front of him, not brushing his teeth because of Sensory Processing issues, or speaking without thinking about how his words feel to another, or forcing a kid with ADHD to sit at attention for long periods of time, the problem is the same. These kids are not making the neural connections that allow them to handle these things intuitively.
To get an idea of how it feels  to be put in a situation that is beyond your current abilities, imagine your boss came to you and said, “From now on I only want you to speak French or your paycheck will be docked $50 for every word you say in English.”, but not only are you slightly hearing impaired you also don’t speak much French. It wouldn’t be long before you wouldn’t have a paycheck, and you would also owe your boss money! Would that make you angry? How about frustration? What if it kept happening over and over every day?
     No one in their right mind would suggest that you need more punishment to motivate you to start speaking French. That would be absurd!!!
   A reasonably person would help you to learn French in a way that worked for someone with your specific hearing impairment.
     People who really know and understand developmental delays such as Asperger’s/HFA, Giftedness, ADHD, Attachment Issues, and Learning Disabilities and the associated anxiety, know that there will be challenges.
     To be honest, there will be many challenges.
     Unfortunately, there are many professionals (teachers, therapists, and psychiatrists) who have little to no scientific, fact-based knowledge of what these delays really are or how they affect the development and functioning of these children. There is a lot of misinformation out there, and sadly many parents are left confused and frustrated with the lack of progress or the inability of professionals to really help. In addition, extended family, friends and community have almost no real understanding other than old outdated ideas that look a lot like what people used to call “Mental Retardation”, which is in no way connected to any of the higher functioning developmental delays listed above.  Many of these kids are actually highly intelligent and gifted, but may never have an opportunity to evolve in their full potential because the focus is… and here is where things get sticky… on teaching them to behave rather than teaching them to understand.
     As a result, therapies that don’t work, unnecessarily over medicated kids, and schools that are not prepared or equipped to handle these kids lend themselves to disastrous outcomes, often backing these kids into a mental health corner. Depression and severe anxiety are common among these kids.          The suicide rates for children with developmental issues is frighteningly high.
    Often, uninformed people look at the parents of these unique children as if they have raised a defiant brat because they have little to no understanding of how these differently wired brains process information.
     The question then becomes “How do you know if it’s brattiness or a developmental issue?”
     Well, in a perfect world, a neuropsychiatric evaluation would give you definitive answers as to where the child struggles and what modalities could be put into place to improve the quality of life for all involved.
      Unfortunately, many evaluations come back incomplete because these children are hard to test.              There is no question that subjecting a child or young adult to a battery of tests that can last over 8 hours over a period of a day or two is going to produce serious emotional dysregulation in itself.
       Adding to the challenge of getting a proper understanding of a child’s delays, many professionals do not understand what these diagnoses really mean. Some go so far as to say it’s made up or over diagnosed because they cannot see it, or worse, they think that these labels simply mean it’s a behavioral problem and feel they need to treat the behavior without addressing the issue of understanding and the resulting anxiety.
      These invisible diagnoses are not fake, and there is plenty of scientific evidence for the fact that these brains work differently. It takes a lot of knowledge and testing to even get the diagnosis. There are strict standards for testing and it’s unlikely you would be given a diagnosis if you were just a defiant brat.
         For someone to claim your child is not whatever you know him or her to be diagnosed with is just illogical.
        Sure, it’s possible to get misdiagnosed with a developmental delay, but it is not common.  Certainly not as common as the misdiagnosis of childhood mental illness. To have a friend, parent, or teacher question a diagnosis with so little understanding and information is ridiculous.
            Think about it for a minute: if you were diagnosed with stage four cancer, but you looked fine, how inappropriate would it be for a person to look at you and say, “You just need to stick to a strict diet and exercise, there is nothing wrong with you"?
        If your child or a child you know has been diagnosed with a developmental delay, then it’s important to know that the child has limits that are very different from other children and you have to trust that the parent is working hard to know when the child is struggling and when they are being a normal kid testing the limits.
             It’s definitely not easy to know when a kid can’t and when he won’t, but if you don’t live with the kid, and you don’t have a full understanding of the diagnosis and all the brain functions involved in that diagnosis, then it would be a real shame to call that kid a defiant brat or label him with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) or PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) or blame the parents for bad or inconsistent parenting. 
        It’s not just kids who do better if they can, it’s parents too!

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​

     Fools do rush in, but will it get you what you want?
     Will it create effective understanding and change?
     There is a grey area. You know, that place where we are strong, assertive advocates for our kids, not aggressive, angry and threatening.
     The quote “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread” is a great idiom, which means that the foolish or angry tend to do things that more sensible people stay away from because the angry do not usually understand how the bigger picture will be affected. 
     As a Mama Bear myself I am cautioning you about rushing in when you are angry, not because I think Mama Bears are foolish, but because we are game changers.
​     I get it, your kid, your Extraordinary Kid, is treated badly, sometimes repeatedly, and Mama Bear comes out like a hurricane, ready to tear apart anything that looks like a threat in an attempt to protect her kid.
     I have totally been there.
     I would be surprised if any parent of an Extraordinary Kid said that they haven’t been there. I would also like to acknowledge that there are plenty of Papa Bears willing to do the same…
     BUT sometimes sending Mama Bear to the IEP meeting or to meet with the soccer coach while she is riled up and ready to fight is the opposite of what needs to happen.
      Let me explain.
    First, I am operating under the assumption that most people who aren’t doing right by our kids, whether they are teachers, therapist, coaches or spouses, are NOT doing it out of cruelty or meanness.
      They are doing it out of ignorance.
      Note that ignorance (in our culture) has two meanings.
      First is the literal meaning as described in Webster’s Dictionary: The state or fact of being ignorant: lack of knowledge, education, or awareness.
     Second is the slang meaning (which is not literal) as described in the Urban Dictionary: Stupid or lacking intellectual ability. 
      We are going to work under the assumption of the true literal definition which, if I must be practical, is where some people in the above-mentioned categories (teachers, therapist, coaches, or spouses) may fall, as well could any of us. They are not  stupid or lacking in intellectual ability. They are in the state of being ignorant: lacking knowledge, education, or awareness.
    Let’s face it, when it comes to our Extraordinary Kids (which includes everything from High Functioning Autism and Asperger’s to Giftedness and ADHD), there is so much misinformation and outdated understanding, that it is no surprise that our kids end up misunderstood and mistreated.
   The problem begins with information and understanding, and the solution is information and understanding.
       Did you catch that?
                                         "The solution is information and understanding."
      Too often our kids are treated as ‘Behavioral Problems’, and yet, there is no evidence, clinical or otherwise, that shows that any of the above-mentioned extraordinary differences are rooted in behavioral understanding. And yet, that is how many people treat our kids. Like they are behavior problems, and if they just get punished when they don’t behave, then they will learn to behave. The fact that they can’t  is often confused with they won’t.
      To prove it, when your kid is calm and relaxed, just ask them any question regarding right and wrong, and I would bet they will give you the correct answer. “Is it okay for Suzy to kick Libby if Libby takes the ball Suzy is playing with?” Assuming your kid is not a toddler and hasn’t recently been in this situation (under the duress of unknown circumstances), your kid will say something like “No, Suzy should ask for it back or tell the teacher.” Because your kid, in most cases, knows right from wrong.
      It’s the ability to see ‘the right thing’ through when there are lagging skills for dealing with anxiety, stress, confusion, or frustration, or when they are pushed past their limits that it becomes a problem. 
Our children are not suffering from a behavioral problem. They are, as Dr. Ross Greene, a pioneer in child psychology and behavior has stated, struggling with “lagging skills and unsolved problems”.
Unfortunately, that is not how most people see our kids. They see a behavior problem that they feel must be treated with therapy, rewards and punishments and horrifically biased misinformed labels like ODD or, worse, they are outrageously lacking current information on what Autism or Giftedness (or the list goes on) is.
     So, what’s a Mama Bear to do?
     Well first, get some support. A friend who doesn’t judge, an online support group, or a good therapist who understands your kid’s struggle is an excellent way to vent your anger or frustration. At the very least journal until your hand hurts and your mind is free of the need to go rushing in.
      We must vent in order to get our anger down to a level where we can think clearly, because if we don’t, we risk destroying any possibility of informing, teaching, and improving the people who can change our kids’ world.
Think about it, could you learn a new language if the person teaching you was screaming, yelling, or threatening you? Would you be open to new information if they threatened to get you fired or break up meaningful relationships?
      We can’t teach or learn under anger. Instead, when we are angry, we become defensive, aggressive, abusive, or all of the above. Do we want the people who deal with our kids to be defensive, aggressive, or abusive?
     Now that you understand why Mama Bear needs to vent and cool off, what is the SOLUTION?
    The solution is… information and understanding.
      But, before you can teach information and understanding, you will first have to make sure you are informed and understand… and  you can articulate that information and understanding to others.
How do we explain it to others and get them on board with what works?
In my next blog “Why Behavior Problems Don’t Exist”, I will share how to explain the root cause of a child’s behavior and get people to understand WHY behavioral methods don’t work, and why developing lagging skills and getting to the unsolved problems does work.
 
     Until then, breathe, put the claws away, and know that Mama Bear is still going in for the fight with thoughtful, well-articulated, credible information and facts.

           ‘Cause this Mama Bear will dazzle them with nothing less than intelligence and insight!’
​
                                                                              No claws necessary…
                                                                              No fools rushing in…

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                Hey, I get it.
                Your kid is struggling.
                Maybe it’s behavior, maybe it’s anxiety… maybe it’s a really bad attitude.
          For those of us who have kids who are neurologically outside the box (extraordinary), be it anxiety, ADHD, OCD’s, or autism, we know it can be incredibly stressful to live with a child who may express everything from defiance to severe behavior, or even extreme isolation or self-harm.
         But, we as parents and caregivers should be very careful about throwing around pathological ideas about what’s ‘wrong’ with the kid. Especially because studies show, the parents of these children often suffer from extreme anxiety themselves. And, as we know, anxiety fogs our thinking and makes it difficult to see things for what they really are. 
      As parents we have to keep our own anxieties in check, which in a world of mental health obsessions and myths can be very challenging to do. It’s very important that we do not try to pathologize our worries and concerns. 
          Diagnosis is important, but it is also important not to over-diagnose out of anxiety. And remember you as a parent or caregiver are very influential in getting your child’s diagnosis correct. So check your anxieties before deciding that your child has a new diagnosis. 
           To be clear, I am using the literal meaning of the word pathologize here.
       Pathologize: a VERB meaning: regard or treat (someone or something) as psychologically abnormal or unhealthy.
            I’ve heard it too many times.
           “My kid is manipulative; I think he has narcissistic personality disorder.”
         “My daughter is happy and excited one minute, and an angry isolated bully the next. I think she’s Bipolar.”
           “My son becomes detached and almost catatonic; he must be schizophrenic.”
             Not necessarily…
         I could go into all the pragmatic and logical fact-based reasons why these things are highly unlikely (especially in anyone under 14), but the truth is, society is currently so addicted to the idea of pathologizing every behavior a child has (in spite of the detrimental effects of doing so), that we often find ourselves so deep in the weeds, we are unable to see the child’s experience of the situation, therefore we are unlikely to come to the kind of conclusions which would actually help.
          Instead of finding the root cause of a child’s behavior… which granted can be hard to do especially when many therapist and doctors would rather just label the kid and medicate them with promises that ‘this will change everything’, we hope to find a quick fix for the problems and stresses that frustrate and frighten us as parents and caregivers.
        While medication can help in certain instances, the World Health Origination agrees, mental health medications are widely over prescribed and used without proper discretion, even in children.
            What does all this mean?
           Well, let’s take ADHD/ADD as an example of how easily pathologizing can get out of hand.
                                                         Common ‘symptoms’ of ADHD/ADD are:

• Social emotional delay
• Acting out or in passive ADD, lack of motivation and extreme fatigue
• Anxiety/depression
• Inability to focus
• Hyper focus
• Defiance

        We know that when a child experiences chronic fear or sadness it becomes, not only a learned neurologic habit, but it also overrides or depresses functions of the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that trains focus, learns social emotional skills and regulates emotion.
      What happens when these delays, which manifest with a diagnosis of ADHD/ADD are pathologized?
             Well, first of all it’s written up, usually by a psychiatrist as a mental health disorder according to the DSM. And this isn’t all bad. It may help you or your child find the appropriate assistance especially in a school or work setting. 
           Remember: a psychiatrist’s main job is to diagnose and prescribe medicine to help manage mental health conditions, not to provide therapy.
             Keep in mind, research tells us that ADHD is NOT a physiological problem that needs a medicine to cure it. There are volumes of research that prove ADHD/ADD has a root cause in attachment struggles, combined with natural proclivities toward anxiety and restlessness.
        But now, after a visit to the psychiatrist, the parents have the first of what often times becomes multiple diagnosis. In addition to the ADHD, they will often be diagnoses with anxiety or depression among other things.
       This brings out the parent or caregivers fears and anxieties and the pathologizing begins out of a desperate need to solve problems.
        And so, the pathologizing doubles down and the meds are started, and sometimes things get worse, or at best, they are managed with a lot of struggle.
           These kids often require more attention (ironic) and more connected parenting, but instead they are given either medication to cover the problem…  ‘fix’ the kid, or special classes and therapies that often separate the child more, not only from the family but from the peer group too.
          In these cases, the root of the child’s struggles are never addressed and life becomes more difficult.
          Many neurodiverse kids show behavior problems and defiance, and as a result they often get additional labels like ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) which is really the defiant (fight part of fight/flight/freeze) piece of severe chronic anxiety and fear or better put, a lack of feeling safe. You can read more about that here.
           Some will be diagnosed autistic because as the anxiety grows, the prefrontal cortex becomes severely delayed and the anxiety gets bigger and bigger resulting in OCD’s, more difficult behaviors, meltdowns and severe social emotional delays.
          As these same kids become teens, and their anxiety and social issues grow, all while trying to navigate a very difficult and hostile teen peer group, some of these kids will become socially isolated, angry, and as their anxieties grow it leaves them feeling ostracized and exhausted… which leads to depression.
             See how the cycle begins?
             The kid, who started out with a need for extra attention in the areas of emotional safety, growth and connectedness, now believes they have multiple mental health disorders.
                   And we all know that what a child believes, they become.
                Some of these kids have been so severely treated with outdated and ineffective treatments, like some older versions of ABA (applied behavioral therapy, which although is considered the gold standard has no solid evidence of being effective in practice (learn more here) or other extreme behavior methodologies, that they are terrified and don’t trust themselves to think or behave in an appropriate way and they often do not trust anyone in a position of authority, even their own parents.
            Combine this with extreme fear (flight/fight/freeze) and you have a potentially explosive and difficult situation. 
           Many will end up so over medicated, or medicated too young, their brain will now have permanent changes, some of which do cause the actual pathological diagnosis they were originally incorrectly given.
              The bottom line is that children generally are not born bipolar, anxious or with ADHD/ADD. They may be born with some genes that are more sensitive to environments that encourage those things, but with out the stimulus to activate the gene, it will not happen.
                  Even though the science doesn’t back it up,  our society is contributing to the belief that mental health is completely genetic and purely physical.
                This does not mean that certain make ups aren’t more prone to having an anxious brain (which is in many cases tied very closely to a higher IQ (more here) or schizophrenia (for which there are literally hundreds of research articles showing it’s often caused or triggered by a diseases (more here) such as celiac, but doctors don’t test for that!
           Maybe we have gone too far with not only pathologizing people, but with our deep and unfounded beliefs in the myths of mental health that are so profoundly rooted in our culture that even doctors  give credit to things that are simply not backed by science and often are counter indicated by science.
                 It’s time for a revolution of thought on mental health and children.

                 It’s time we took back our kids from the therapies and doctors who don’t fully understand mental health and the root of behavior.

                  It’s time to heal ourselves and our children. 

                 What we are doing isn’t working, so lets get to the things that do work like
​connectedness, presence and meaningful relationships with our children.
                   Lets stop pathologizing and treating them as psychologically abnormal or unhealthy. Instead, we can look at individual needs and root causes and address them with intelligence and compassion and make real long term healthy changes.

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Does your daughter have tantrums? Do those tantrums seem to be more than a tantrum? We call that a meltdown.
How about friends? Does she seem to struggle with friendships? Maybe she claims she would rather be alone?
     If your child cannot pull herself together, or is maddeningly defiant, or can’t move on to the next thing (get ready for school, do homework, put down the tablet), or she chronically struggles with her relationships with others, then maybe there is more to the story. 
     Maybe these ‘behaviors’ are becoming a problem and interfering with daily life? Or others tell you she needs more discipline, or a rewards chart to help her understand what’s expected, but when you try these things, the problems only get worse.
     You know something isn’t quite right, but when you look for help they tell you she has a ‘behavioral problem’, or worse, they explain it all away with a mental illness diagnosis such as Bipolar or schizophrenic (which is so unlikely that there is no criteria for anyone under the age of 12 to have these diagnosis according to the DSM5, so if your child has been so diagnosed, get a second opinion quick).
      According to the National Autistic Society (UK) in 2015 1/5 of women with Asperger’s/HFA were not diagnosed until age 11 (boys on the other hand were diagnosed on average by age 7). The numbers are even more skewed as we go back just one decade when only one in 3500 diagnosis of ASD/Asperger’s were given to females, and if you go back further, there are many who thought it didn’t exist in females at all. 
       Also, missing from these diagnosis are anxiety, phobias and attachment issues, all of which, if misdiagnosed or ignored, can result in behavior problems. 
     This is in direct contradiction to the fact that girls often display signs of Social Emotional Delay, and Sensory Processing, such as extreme discomfort in certain clothes, aversion to bright lights and covering their ears at loud sounds, and difficulty with integrated play at a very young age, often as early as infancy.
     The same is true for gifted girls who are often missed because the nature of all gifted individuals is asynchronistic development. Which basically means their intelligence is more developed then their social/emotional understanding. This asynchrony creates (debilitating) anxiety. As a result, these girls are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, while completely missing the gifted diagnosis!
Anxiety, especially in kids, often manifests in behavioral problems, sometimes severe behavioral problems. Instead… they will give her a diagnosis of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), which according to the DSM5 is not technically a diagnosis, it’s a label used when the cause of the behavior has not yet been determined (usually severe, chronic anxiety caused by a neurological difference like HFA/Asperger’s, ADHD, Gifted or Learning Disability such as dyslexia or Auditory Processing). This all leads to the path of mental illness diagnosis, which often actually backs a kid into a mental health crisis because the basic needs and lagging skills have not yet been addressed.
An excellent book on discovering those basic needs and lagging skills is The Explosive Child, The: A New Approach For Understanding And Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children
​
     So, the real question is why don’t girls get a proper diagnosis, or worse, why are they missed, or misdiagnosed so easily?
     There are three main reasons:
 1. There is still a stereotyped view for most diagnosis.  For instance the criteria for Asperger’s/HFA (High Functioning Autism), is based entirely on how boys present with the condition. How many parents have heard “She can’t have Asperger’s/HFA because she makes eye contact”, or “because she smiled”. But we know that girls make more eye contact and are more expressive than boys in general. Thus it makes sense that they will also be this way when compared to their male spectrum peers. In addition to being naturally more social, girls also do more of something called MASKING. Masking is when girls imitate, and act like other girls while hiding their lack of social/emotional skills and awareness. Girls watch closely and “pretend” to be like other, usually more popular girls. In adolescence they often imitate young celebrities and pop stars. A Bristol University study revealed that both boys and girls who were previously identified as having autistic traits, were equally likely to make errors when identifying sad and scared faces, and more likely to mistakenly recognize faces as happy. However, when they looked at both genders separately, girls were much better at recognizing emotions in general. This revelation shows, once again, girls are often better at masking signs in typical social situations.

2.  YOU don’t want to believe that your daughter is… Autistic, ADHD, or has a Learning Disability, has severe anxiety… or all of these! Phycologist will tell you that the biggest obstacle in getting children the help they need is getting the parents to accept that there is a problem in the first place, that it is real, and it is X, Y or Z. You can’t solve a problem you refuse to acknowledge exist. But we can’t just blame the parents. Teachers and other school administrators are way behind in their awareness of how girls present and they are quick to write off behaviors and attitudes as being anything but a plain and simple discipline problem. 
​
 3. The bottom line is that professionals are  still behind in their knowledge about diagnosing girls in general, and to make matters worse it is still true that most of the research on  Autism, ADHD, Processing Disorders, Learning disabilities and Giftedness has been done on boys! 
     
     This is a much under-investigated but vitally important issue, but who will address it?

     Dr. Tony Attwood, founder of the first diagnostic and treatment clinic for children and adults with Asperger’s, and author of The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome written back in 1984 says “The bottom line is that we STILL understand far too little about girls because we diagnose based on a male conceptualization of the condition. We need a complete paradigm shift”.

     He’s right. All of the research on Asperger’s/HFA was done on boys. All of it!!

You can read more about Dr. Tony Attwood and his research in his book Asperger’s and Girls: World-Renowned Experts Join Those with Asperger’s Syndrome to Resolve Issues That Girls and Women Face Every Day!
    Most of the research for ADHD and Giftedness was done on boys.
    Let that sink in.
     Girls communicate, make eye contact and play differently in general, so why wouldn’t they display symptoms differently?
     We need to draw up a female version of diagnosis that identifies girls on the basis of the way they present, and we need to do this as a matter of urgency. Undiagnosed Giftedness, ADHD, Learning Disabilities or Asperger’s/HFA can create devastatingly low self-esteem in girls, not to mention it can undermine relational success (the largest determining factor in lifetime happiness).
     Girls slip through the diagnostic net because they are so good at camouflaging or masking their symptoms.
      Just fade into the background and maybe no one will notice how much you suffer?
     We used to believe that only boys go into attack mode when frustrated, while girls would suffer in silence and become passive-aggressive.
    Although, girls learn to appease and apologize more often than boys, we are starting to see a trend of girls acting out behaviorally. Even though girls often learn to observe people from a distance and imitate them, they can only do this for so long. It is only if you look closely and ask the right questions, you see the terror in their eyes and see that their reactions are a learnt script.
     Treating these girls as behavior problems, not only misses the point, it leaves them misdiagnosed, and often leads them in other mental health struggles.

     Common missed diagnoses to consider:
     Asperger’s’/HFA
     Giftedness
     ADHD
     Learning Disabilities (Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia)
     Processing Disorders
      Anxiety Disorders 
      Attachment Issues (common in adoption and step parenting)
     Keep in mind, that if you, the parent or caregiver have any of these diagnosis (male or female), the your child will likely fit the same diagnosis. These are often missed in spite of showing early signs in childhood and pre adolescence because girls are not the subject of studies and they are excellent at masking.
     Masking is a common female way of coping, and we must find a way to see through the masking so we can help these girls reach their true potential.
     If you suspect your little Miss has been miss-diagnosed, do the research yourself.
     There are women out there who are speaking out on behalf of the missed, lost and forgotten girls.
​     Don’t accept the answer that doesn’t fit.
     Little Miss-Diagnosed needs you to advocate for her.
     She’s there… behind the mask.

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There’s a hole in your bucket!
     Water is pouring out and your newly finished floor is flooding! 
   You anxiously try to plug the hole in the bucket to save your beautiful new hardwood floor, but in your panic to save your floor and stop the flow of water, you don’t notice that there is even more water  pouring into the bucket from the top and spilling over the edge. 
     But it’s no wonder you are focused on the hole in the bucket,  everyone is telling you that the hole is the problem. It’s clear, isn’t it? It needs to be plugged, and now!
​     If you don’t fix the hole, and fast, you will never stop the water from flooding your floor. Right?
    It is plain to see the flooding, and you are freaking out because you can’t get that darn hole plugged, There’s just too much pressure coming from the top. So, you try harder, maybe you even call a friend to help.
     You don’t understand WHY it’s getting worse.
     You are now desperate and exhausted.
     The water has filled the room and is out of control. You are ready to throw the bucket out, because obviously it’s broken and the hole is unfixable and there is no way to stop this flooding.
   And that is exactly what happens when parents, caregivers, therapist and doctors focus on the behavior instead of what lies beneath… the overwhelm coming in from the top.
    But you say “NO, my kid is manipulative… or spoiled… or lazy… or just doesn’t care.”
     We have some shocking news for those of you who truly believe that.
     It’s not possible.
     Manipulation, demands, laziness and/or not caring, are all symptoms of anxiety, fear and lack of feeling safe.
    What about heredity you say? Well, first of all behaviors like the ones we mention above, are rarely intrinsic.
    You can say someone is just like dad, mom, aunt, grandpa, but the truth is, the kind of brain sensitivity that leads to bigger feelings of anxiety, fear and lack of feeling safe ARE inherited, but they are only partially physiologically, they also need to be triggered by an event or environment.
     It’s not one or the other, you must have both parts of the equations to get the sum.
     EVERY TIME
     No exceptions!
     So, lets go back a bit.
     If you are the parent or caregiver of a child (anyone under 24) who has issues with behavior, then we can pretty much guarantee you there is some serious underlying anxiety, fear, or lack of feeling safe. And the worse the behavior, the bigger these feelings are.
    Adding to the frustration to all of this is WHY don’t most therapeutic interventions work?
   Many have tried punishments, rewards, strict rules, agreements, therapy and meds, only to find that the kid just doesn’t seem to care if he loses everything… or worse, he loses his temper, (sometimes in frightening ways) and destroys things or threatens you, and things get worse instead of better. 
    Again, there is no psychologist in their right and well-informed mind that will tell you a child ‘acts out’ violently or becomes completely passive for ‘no reason’. And NO, having ADHD, autism, or learning disabilities are NOT a reason, but they are a way of being wired that raise your brain’s sensitivity to anxiety.
​     There is always an underlying reason.
    “But the kid thinks X, which is not true, so it’s his thinking that’s wrong”
     OR
    “The kid knows better, I know because sometimes he does better.”
     OR
    “She just wants her way.”
     Again, the kid who is anxious, afraid or doesn’t feel safe HAS to think something to make sense of their fear. And an underdeveloped or very young brain doesn’t have the capacity for complex big picture thinking, so it will often use manipulation, anger, aggression or passivity to deal with that fear, especially when those anxious feelings are escalated. 
     Which brings up another very important point. After years of experiencing high anxiety, the brain becomes underdeveloped in social and emotional growth. *See the blog post: How Anxiety Effects Brain Development. 
    It’s important to note that it’s underdevelopment, not brokenness that causes the delay in social and emotional growth. Although in some cases, development is limited, the limitations will always be much bigger where anxiety, fear and lack of safety exist. 
     When you combine being punished for behaviors that are evoked by anxiety, fear and a lack of feeling safe with an existing predisposition for anxiety, those feelings INCREASE… every time. 
     Let’s say you are a new and anxious driver and while driving down a narrow highway you miscalculate a curve and nearly miss hitting a 18 wheeler head on. While your heart is still pounding and you are trying to steady yourself, your passenger starts yelling at you. There’s a good chance you will either become enraged, or depending on your personality type, you might completely shut down, unable to continue the drive, or you might become a trembling sobbing mess. The bottom line is that a screaming passenger at your side recounting everything you did wrong, after a terrifying near death experience will definitely make things worse and may even traumatize you, making driving very difficult in the future. 
     If you have a child with big deficits in social and emotional development, you already have a high starting point for anxiety and are probably experiencing behavior problems, sometimes serious behavior problems. Using punishments, taking away privileges or laying out threats to someone who is already highly anxious will make things worse. It won’t teach them skills, it will teach them not to trust people, and often times you will see an increase in social anxiety as a result. 
     Punishments and threats do not address the underlying problem that cause the brain to skip the process that allows them to make a conscious decision to ‘do the right thing’. 
     So, how do you help?
     The very first step, the one that so many miss, for reducing behavior problems is to recognize the behavior for what it is.
     If we continue to believe that the kid is just bad, broken or inherently awful, they will never begin to heal because we will treat them as bad, broken or inherently awful (and so will everyone else) even if that is not our intention. 

​ No medication, no therapy, no intervention will help the behavior in the long term, without the recognition of the root cause, and thus, the problem will keep coming back and may grow exponentially.
    Medication and therapy can have a place, but without knowing how to stop the intense pressure from the over flow of water, you cannot repair the hole. The anxious and fearful thinking must be addressed in order for the kid to be in a place where the brain can access the information necessary to choose the appropriate behaviors. 
     Without awareness and acceptance of the root causes of behavior, you will end up in a rabbit hole of  years of medication trials and errors, therapeutic refusal, increasing behavior issues, and in the worst cases, both the child and the caregiver lose hope.
     If you are sincerely interested in helping a child, teen or young adult you must first start with the root cause, and you must be willing to call it what it is… anxiety, fear or lack of feeling safe.

The next step will be to help the child, teen or young adult feel calm, secure and safe. I will address this in future blog posts. 

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