Okay, so the title is a bit salacious, but sincere never the less.
     And yet, I am completely serious when I talk about the “Sneaky Beast” that is growing within and around us, and it’s keeping us from the kind of connection and contentedness that could only come from being fully present.
       Although this may be especially challenging for those who are already struggling with socializing, anxiety or depression, it really applies to us all.
         The figurative beast that I am referring to is media, all media in its full obsequious glory.
         Not just social media. All forms of disconnected non living interaction.
         Facebook, or Instagram, gaming, Tic-Toc, YouTube or even TV.
        Remember, they were all designed to engage and entertain you, and that is exactly where the beast lies in wait.
      We have become so comfortable and frankly, socially lazy that we spend our free time engaging in social situations that are just illusions.
          We scroll Facebook or spend hours watching YouTube or Netflix, all in an attempt to fulfill a need to both be entertained and engaged.
         Well what’s the harm in that?
         The ‘harm’ is that Sneaky Beast that I mentioned at the onset of this article.
         We have replaced the work and challenge of engaging in real time live human interactions for the easy, nonconfrontational and non-committal drooling dumfoundary of media.
       As soon as I make that argument, someone will assuredly come back with, ‘I just use it to stay connected with friends and family’, or ‘I use it to learn’ or, and this is my personal favorite, ‘I use it to relax’.
         I’m sorry, but I’m calling out those excuses.
         We are most likely not using it.
         It is using us!
         We use it to disconnect.
        We don’t want conflict, or accountability, or the work of engaging in intelligent or zealous dialog.
        We want easy. 
       It’s human nature to do what’s easy. It’s the primitive preservation of energy that pushes us to do the undemanding and painless. We must conserve our mental energy at all cost! You never know when the next catastrophic crises will come and we will need our wits about us, so therefore, we must at all times, do the absolute least we can.
        EXCEPT… In our 21st century of easy living and historically comparable nonexistent hardship, we are actually suffering as a result of that Beast, it has consumed our meaningful relationships, made us uneasy and awkward with deep and worthwhile conversations, and put us at odds with physical touch.
       This Sneaky Beast is leading us down media paths of anger and indignation, of apathy and discord.           We are being told that our way is the only way, that all those who disagree with us are, says the          Sneaky Beast, “Morally corrupt, bad people.”
       The Sneaky Beast says we must tolerate others instead of respecting them, and we must segregate ourselves from those who have had different experiences or views. And yet, we must include and accept everyone.
          HUH?
     The uncertainty the Beast loads on us is confusing and disorienting, not to mention completely lacking in compassion and reason.
      All of this is bad enough, but the Beast is not satisfied until our heads are filled with so much cynicism that we must put people into black and white, or left and right, all good or all bad categories. Never giving acknowledgement to the complexity that makes us a little of all those things.
         What happens when you don’t have the ability to be flexible in your thinking, when you believe that all other people are just bad?
          That is where hate walks in through the unlocked front door. The Beast has it way with us and keeps us pessimistic, demoralized and discouraged. Melancholy and despondency seeps in and hangs over us like a thick dense cloud influencing all of our thoughts and beliefs.
           If we think, even for a moment that we are not feeding the beast every time we sit voiceless and taciturn in front of a screen, then we are evolutionarily doomed.
            The masses are being led down a nonexistent primrose path of faux-enlightenment.
            There is no real connection or relationship at the end of a Social Media post.
           Sure, it’s fine to log on and plug in from time to time, but what about your family, your friends, or all the people you haven’t met yet? Don’t they need you to plug in with them? What about meeting for coffee, or taking a walk with someone you like, but haven’t connected with. You know… that person that you don’t have time for, if only you didn’t spend 45 minutes or more (most likely a lot more) each day connected to a cold unfeeling, unloving screen?
            The Sneaky Beast has tricked us. It has made us a passive mass of drooling voyeurs’.
          The rates of depression and anxiety are higher than ever, but, of course, it couldn’t be the Sneaky Beast. It must be the hopeless state of human existence.
              Ahh, but there’s the rub!

I recently saw the movie “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” about a man dealing with some serious anger toward someone he cared about.  The movie featured Tom Hanks as the beloved Mr. Rogers and his diligent work teaching kids how to deal with ‘big feelings’.
    Since anger is one of the most destructive feelings, Mr. Rogers felt it was important to teach kids how to deal with it from a very young age. He felt, rightly so, that if children could be taught to deal with anger and the underlying feelings that drive anger, the world would be a better place.
   It was kind of funny because when I saw the movie, I was actively dealing with my own anger toward a situation where someone was justifiably angry with me. I was trying to understand why we were both so angry, and why my attempts to make it better were making things worse.
     Although all feelings are complex, there is a hidden component to anger that makes it much harder for us to work out. 
     That hidden component: fear/anxiety. Fear of the unknown, loss of control, being powerless, being misunderstood, being hurt. The list goes on and on. Most people don’t want to admit to being afraid or anxious, let alone be so vulnerable as to reveal their deepest darkest fears. ​
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    If you happen to be dealing with some serious anxiety to begin with, and a challenging situation comes up, maybe it’s an argument with a co-worker, friend or spouse, that anxiety will creep in and hijack your prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes decisions, determines threats, and controls impulse), and you will to react, say, think and do things impulsively leaving an emotional mess behind you, and to make matters worse, now you have pissed off your co-worker, friend or spouse.
     How does this happen?
     An overly anxious brain does not process information in a logical manner. It loses the connections that help us to see the big picture, manage emotions, and walk through both conscious and unconscious decisions.
     To make things worse, when the prefrontal cortex goes offline because of that high anxiety and we go to the primal brain, we are in ‘Fight, Flight or Freeze’. We are in survival mode, so things happen very quickly.
     Fight, Flight or Freeze is pure instinct, with little conscious thought. People with anxiety, especially severe chronic anxiety (very common in the Neurodiverse and those with PTSD/trauma) tend to go to the ‘Fight’ reaction first.  Although ‘Flight’ and ‘Freeze’ are also, common, I will discuss those reactions in a future post as they present their own set of unique problems.
      In the movie, an important point is made that often times anger is manifestation of fear. A fact that many of us are not only not aware of, but find it hard to admit to or see clearly.

    This is how anxiety leads us down the path to anger:

• We are afraid or fearful of someone or something, real or imagined.

• Anxiety then becomes fear gone out of control, or an irrational fear often running unnoticed or unrecognized in the background of our thinking

• Something happens to trigger or escalate that fear and we get angry or become enraged.

• The prefrontal cortex goes into survival mode, shuts down rational, big picture thinking which makes us reactive and emotional and feeds the problem allowing things to get out of control.

     That’s exactly what happened when I said ‘I was angry with someone who was justifiably angry with me’. First came my anxiety, then the impulsive (panicked and emotional) reaction, which escalated feelings of fear in both myself and the other person making us both more angry. and BAM, now everyone is angry and round and round we go. 
     Then… and this is the kicker, to make things worse, we often feel bad about our over reaction. We may try to fix it, but because we are still fueled by anxiety, the prefrontal cortex is not engaged and we continue to make poor decisions and say all the wrong things.  
     Once we peak, usually after relational damage has been done and we are standing in the wreckage, we begin to spin. We go over and over what we said, what they said, what we did and what we should have or could have said or done differently. Or we just spin around in the blame game. A game everyone loses.
     This is often where the ‘Flight’ or ‘Freeze’ part of the survival cycle kick in and we either bury the hurt or hide from it hoping it won’t sneak up on us unexpectedly sometime in the future.
      Everyone is different, but with anxiety, ‘Fight, Flight or Freeze’ are the road map for how people react to things that trigger fear. It’s just how our brains are wired.
     Some people will freeze first, some will run first, but it’s all there and it’s especially horrible when you add in the guilt because you know you made it worse by something you said or did.
     During the credits of the movie, there is a voiceover where Mr. Rogers says “Sometimes good people do bad things.”
     This is a good message for all of us (deeply flawed humans) to remember, but especially for those who suffer from anxiety and for those who have relationships with anxious people.
     The heartbreaking truth is that people with chronic or severe anxiety are often people who are Neurodiverse or have suffered from trauma or abuse (too often both) and this cycle of anxiety/conflict/anxiety causes even more pain because it damages relationships and trust, often in the very relationships that are most important to the person with trauma.

If you are struggling with intimate relationships or building trust, I recommend you read this.
     Impulsive reactions do ruin friendships and piss people off. But there is hope, and over time skills can be learned and we can and do (with a little wise effort) get much better at accessing the logical non reactive part of the brain during times of duress, and that’s when anxiety can be reduced and managed. Relationships can be repaired.
     If you live with anxiety, it’s important to know that you are not a bad person, but sometimes, when your anxiety gets out of control, you might make bad decisions simply because you haven’t learned to connect with that part of your brain yet.
     It’s also important to know that you can do things to prevent getting into those situations in the first place. Some of this may require a good therapist who can teach you the skills to deal with and manage your anxiety, create healthy boundaries or be more clear about what your feelings and needs are.  
     Here are some of the best ways to prevent an anxiety crisis from causing permanent damage to relationships:

• Try to stay ahead of your anxiety. Check in with yourself often so you can be aware of when anxiety is increasing before it becomes anger.

• Exercise, run, push or lift heavy things. This, unequivocally has been proven to be the most effective way, by far, to decrease anxiety.

• If you say or do something that you regret, apologize. A sincere apology is the most healing thing you can do for an important relationship. How to apologize: a) Say you’re sorry,  b) Stop talking, c.) No excuses or explanations… not now. Maybe later

• Take a break. Distract yourself with hard work (physical or mental) until you calm down a bit.

• Know that big bad feelings don’t last. Your anger weakens, your fears slow and your guilt will pass if you do step 3 sincerely. No feeling lasts forever.

• Remember ‘Good people do bad things sometimes”. Forgive yourself and the people you care about who act in anger out of fear.

Most importantly stay connected. Talk to a friend, Therapist or family member who will let you vent without trying to fix things or let you stew in your anger. Feeling understood and connected is THE key to getting grounded and preventing anxiety from taking over.

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There is overwhelming evidence that regular exercise can help relieve low mood-from feelings of stress and anxiety to full depressive episodes more effectively than medications and therapy, and this book breaks it down in the simplest term. Just move, it works!